


somewhere else I am saying I never want to be without you again

by sssammich



Category: Gossip Girl RPF
Genre: Complete, F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-03
Updated: 2009-05-03
Packaged: 2017-11-20 18:59:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssammich/pseuds/sssammich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blake thinks about Leighton every day of her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	somewhere else I am saying I never want to be without you again

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Bleighton fluffiness but some "this totally shouldn't be happening" angst first, lots of tension, not necessarily the sexual kind, and yea, ermm that's about it, I'm not fussy.

Blake thinks about Leighton every day of her life.

She’s been thinking about her ever since she met the blonde-turned-brunette just before the season started. For reasons unknown, thoughts of Leighton has set up camp in her brain and has established her territory.  

It’s a harmless enough idea. Close family and friends get to be in one’s mind all the time, without being prompted. It’s not that different, then, with Leighton because she’s one of Blake’s best friends. They’ve been working closely together for two years. Surely she will be in her thoughts. It only makes sense.

Except it  _is_  different because the way Blake thinks about Leighton is never how she thinks about her family and friends. She doesn’t know when it happened, how it happened or  _why_  it happened. All Blake’s aware of is that she’s been having thoughts of kissing, holding, and being with Leighton. Romantic thoughts that are supposed to be saved for someone else, some other person, who you know, happens to be a guy. Not Leighton, her female co-star who happens to have her own romantic thoughts for Sebastian.

Now it doesn’t make sense and Blake doesn’t know what to do with any of it. She’s not supposed to have these kinds of thoughts or feelings for her co-star. She’s not supposed to want to do things to her co-star that involves her lips and her hands going near covered body parts. She’s not supposed to simultaneously feel like she can’t breathe and she’s just taken her first lungful of air whenever her co-star is anywhere near her.

This isn’t supposed to happen. If anything, what’s supposed to happen is that she ends up having these kinds of thoughts and feelings for Chace or Penn or hell, even Ed, but not Leighton.

It scares her and there’s only so much she can do. She works with the girl at close proximities a good part of the time, sharing a trailer with her and doing a lot of promotional stuff that involves them to get close with each other, for crying out loud. All she knows is that she has to stay professional and to not, for any reason whatsoever, act on any of these thoughts and feelings.

It’s for the best.

;;

There’s a knock at the door but Blake doesn’t hear it. She’s too busy thinking about what she isn’t supposed to be thinking about, or more appropriately,  _who_  she isn’t supposed to be thinking about.

The knocks get louder and it’s only then that she notices. Startled, Blake puts down her cup before opening the door, ready to lash out at whoever was by the door.

Swinging her trailer door, she readies herself for a good yelling only to see Chace give him a surprised look. Her features soften a little but she holds her ground by the  door. Before she can even ask, he’s already answering.

 “Leighton’s wondering where you are. I told her I’d look for you because she’s shooting something with Ed right now.”

Blake only makes an ‘O’ shape with her lips. She moves away from the door and back to where she was sitting earlier. Chace smiles and takes the action as open invitation for him to follow her.

When he enters, he sees a small blotch on the rug and thinks that is probably why she was ready to attack him.

“Sorry about the spill,” he says pointing at the blotch on the floor. She laughs distractedly as she pulls a couple of paper towel out to soak up the liquid.

“It’s fine. Just next time, if no one answers, consider that no one’s home because if I spill again, I will cut your pretty face up.” Chace laughs but sits down on the cushions to wait until Blake’s done cleaning up. 

“Avoiding the world today?”

“Just a lot on my mind,” she says shrugging before taking the open spot beside him. It’s not an absolute lie. It’s just a very vague truth.

“Like what?”

“I don’t even know,” she sighs and rests her head on his shoulder. “I don’t even know.”

They don’t speak for a while and the silence is comforting. She’s glad he came around.

“Have you talked to Leighton about it?” he asks after some time. She pulls her head up, confused.

“What?”

He shrugs as he looks at her.

“I mean, she’s your best friend. I would figure you’d talk to her.”

“Oh. Well, I haven’t. This doesn’t really affect her so there’s no need to bring her in, you know.” Liar.

He stays silent for a moment, nods, then gets up. “Okay, yeah.”

He gets halfway to the door before he turns around. “Leighton’s looking for you, though, so you should let her know you’re alive before she mauls the rest of us because you’re not around.” He smiles and she laughs.

“I’ll be there soon,” she says as she stands from where she is and begins to follow him out. He gets to the door before he stops again. This time, he’s a little more hesitant.

“My face may be pretty, but it also has a working pair of eyes.” He looks at her intently as if using telepathy to let her know what he means. She looks right back at him with a confused look even though she knows where he’s going with this.

“Chace,” she breathes out because the air gets knocked out of her. She doesn’t know what it means for him to know – if other people know – if  _she_  knows.

“It’s not my business and I don’t really care who you end up liking or not liking as long as you’re happy. I just want you to think about all of this.” She nods, at a loss for words because a) she’s thought about it a lot and b) she already knows what it means.

He leaves her and it takes her some time to prepare herself to go back out there.

;;

She decides that going over to Leighton’s and hanging out is the best course of action when the other girl has been complaining about her recent disappearance act on set. That way, it’ll steer her clear from questioning looks and curious expressions.

Blake finds Leighton dancing around her apartment with post-asylum Britney Spears cranking out.  It’s an odd choice, but it obviously gets Leighton jumping around so it must be good.

She ends up watching the dancing girl for a little while, obviously coming in through the door unheard. After a while, Leighton eventually turns around to find Blake smiling at her before she slows down the pace and goes over to her stereo to lower the volume down.

“Hey, I didn’t hear you come in,” she huffs, giving Blake a dimpled smile. Blake smiles back in return, getting her voice blocked out by her heart getting stuck in her throat somewhere. Leighton looks incredible, even with sweat on her face and workout clothes. She looks a terrible mess but Blake thinks she’s quite beautiful.  

“It’s not as fun if you’re having a dance party by yourself,” she teases, taking her coat off and draping it over the couch before walking over to Leighton.

“On the contrary,” Leighton begins. “It’s the most fun if you’re having a dance party by yourself.”

And as if proving her point, she walks over to the stereo and cranks the volume up high before dancing again.

It doesn’t take long before Blake joins in and the two of them are dancing all over the place to Britney Spears. They circle Leighton’s apartment and it’s one of the most fun they’ve had in a while and it all feels nice. They eventually get tired, though, so they go back to Leighton’s couch and crash after an extensive dance party.

“Wow,” is the only thing Blake says. Laughing is the only thing Leighton does in response. They eventually turn into a heap of giggling girls.

“Thanks for coming uninvited,” Leighton teases. They do it every time the other comes over without calling; dropping by unexpectedly. It ends up always being a wonderfully spent time so there’s never a problem.

Blake takes Leighton’s hand in her own, even though hers is kind of clammy and sweaty from all the dancing and squeezes it, but not letting go.

They’re silent for a moment and it’s nice because Britney Spears has changed into something else.

“I broke up with Sebastian,” she states and Blake squeezes her hand again. This time, she has feelings that are bubbling inside, but they all take a backseat to the small pride she has for herself for still holding Leighton’s hand. This is the one thing she’s good at – holding people.

They don’t move from the couch and Blake doesn’t say anything. This kind of information means a hell of a lot and Blake knows that she doesn’t want to define it right now because she needs to be Leighton’s best friend right– not the girl who’s struggling through unrequited infatuation.

“Don’t you want to know why?” she finally asks when Blake remains silent soon after her confession.

“Did he do something terrible, like cheat on you?”

“No.”

“Abandon or neglect you physically? Emotionally?”

“No.”

“Did he do something that warrants an ass kicking?”

Leighton laughs, but responds. “No.”

“Then, no. I don’t want to know why.”

And she doesn’t. She doesn’t want to know what would make Leighton end things with her boyfriend she’s been dating since the beginning of the series. There are a lot of possibilities that are swimming in her head but she drowns them all down because she doesn’t want to have to give herself false hope. Because there are some things just as bad as having your heart broken and that’s losing hope.

The brunette looks at her confused, while she keeps her eyes closed, humming along to the music, hand still firmly over Leighton’s.

Blake opens one eye when she feels an intense gaze land on her. She sees the other girl stare at her, questioning her. She opens the other eye and sits up a little. Leighton mirrors her actions.

“And why don-” she starts to ask but Blake interrupts her by leaning forward and pressing their lips together. She tells herself that she’s doing this to stop Leighton from telling her the reason. But she’s never been able to convince herself properly when it came to these sorts of things.

Blake’s about to pull away because, really, this is a stupid idea and she just knows there’s a horrified look on Leighton’s face when she doesn’t feel her kiss back. 

But it surprises her when Leighton  _does_  end up kissing back and they keep their lips pressed together for a few more seconds before they break apart for air or for sanity kicking in – Blake’s not sure which.

Leighton’s eyes are still closed when Blake’s have already transformed into little saucers. She swears later that she saw a small smile forming on Leighton’s lips but she can’t be sure because she had other things to worry about.

She stands up and pulls Leighton in the process because their hands are still held together. She drops it quickly, like it’s something dirty, and bolts out of the apartment without another word, leaving her coat on the couch.

It shouldn’t have happened but it did and now Blake’s panicking on her way back to her own apartment to think, over-think and then over-over-think what she has just done.

She doesn’t know what prompted it. Well, that’s a big fat lie. She knows exactly what prompted it, but she has no idea how in the hell this impulsivity slipped up and abandoned ship.

;;

Maybe her prayers to a god were answered or she really does stumble on some genie lamp or she just got extremely lucky on her way back to her own apartment after leaving, but Blake succeeds in avoiding Leighton for an entire week during filming. It’s an incredible feat and she’s going to look back on this time and think just how funny it all was.

But right now, she feels like a complete asshole for leaving Leighton in her apartment after kissing her without explanation. And an even bigger asshole for avoiding her when she was the one that made the first move.

She ends up pacing recklessly around her apartment until she reaches her bathroom.

There, she decides that it doesn’t hurt to get lost in beautifying herself just in case Leighton ever tries to pull her into a fight that will ruin her good looks.

So she brushes her teeth because it doesn’t hurt to work on her dental hygiene while she thinks about possible way to fake her own death. To possibly join a Russian circus. To strike a deal with Schwartz and tell him that Serena will just have to die in a fire because she needs to get the fuck out of there, lickety split.

Instead, she opts for spitting out her toothpaste before putting her own hands up (toothbrush intact no less) in defense of, well,  _herself_ , because she seriously just used ‘lickety split’ in her head. She abandons this dental hygiene crap because her gums are starting to bruise and this isn’t the most efficient way to work off steam to begin with.

So she goes back out to her living room and pops open a tin can full of caramel that ends up tasting terribly because her mouth still has the taste of toothpaste in it; ends up ruining all that brushing she worked for in the last five minutes, anyway.

It’s another day again and she hasn’t done a thing resembling rest and sleep for the past week. But it’s not like she can just close her eyes and rest and everything’s forgotten for the night.

She can’t because this has eaten her all up and she’s just waiting until it spits her out.  

Getting sick of her own hiding place, Blake decides to just go somewhere and get lost in some other part of New York. That way, if she does get lost, there will be something else on her mind other than Leighton, even for just a little while. Maybe that way, it’d help her heart feel something else, even just for a bit.

She ends up at a smaller coffee shop on the outskirts of the city. It’s definitely quieter and she vaguely remembers how she got there. But it’s a good enough place to be.

Blake watches a couple walk by outside the coffee shop window. The guy is massively tall and the girl’s face is just above his elbow. They look geometrically uneven, like they don’t belong together. But her hand is held firmly in his and they’re walking away, together.

She thinks they can’t possibly fit each other when he’s so tall and she’s so short and it’s just all sorts of mismatching. Like wearing plaid and argyle in the same outfit. It just ends up being a disaster.

So she thinks about Leighton and Sebastian and how he’s just a little bit taller and she’s just a little bit shorter and they look like they fit except not anymore since they broke up and everything.

Then she thinks about her and Penn and how they never really fit, either. He always tried to be bigger than he was trying to make her smaller than she was. He’s a good guy, but he just tried too hard to be everything that she never wanted.

Then she thinks about how she and Leighton end up always fitting just right. She’s just tall enough and she’s just short enough. They’re enough for each other.

Every time they’re touching or holding each other, she ends up being the perfect size.

Leighton fits perfectly under her chin, in her arms, right beside her heart.

And it hurts her heart too much to think about it because now it’s gotten even more complicated. Before, she can work all her wishes and daydreams into how their relationship worked. Now, she’s not even sure there’s a working relationship since she’s messed it up with an impulsive move.

Even as she feels an onslaught of feelings harshly tide her over, she can’t help but put her fingers on her lips. The ghost of Leighton’s lips on hers hasn’t stopped haunting her.

She doesn’t know if she should regret it or not.

She decides not to.

;;

Blake’s walking to the couch in her trailer with a cup of coffee when she hears a loud bang at the door. She’s startled, spilling some on her coat. She mutters some profanity before putting the cup down. Next time, she’s going to really need the lid.

“Hang on!” she yells taking her newly stained coat off. She thinks that it’s Chace again that’s come to look for him so she readies herself to yell at him.

“I swear to god, Chace, I’m going to cut-”

Leighton never finds out what Blake’s cutting from Chace because that’s who ends up being at the door.

Blake looks at her with eyes wide, words lost somewhere. She recovers quickly enough to look confused. Leighton gives a patented eye roll and starts climbing up into the trailer.

“You locked the door and my keys are inside,” she explains as she sits down on the couch. She slides over realizing that there’s some spill on the cushion. Blake’s still by the door.

“Blake.”

The blonde, on the other hand, still rooted by the door, swings it close before proceeding to take several deep breaths.

Blake knows Leighton. They’re best friends, after all. So she knows how the other girl gets, her voice goes up a little higher and she sits straight, like slouching will pain her just to even think about when she’s mad or upset or angry. She’s suffered through the end of a couple, so she knows. Steeling herself as best as she can, Blake turns around to see Leighton holding something in her hands.

“Leighton.”

“You left this at my apartment last week. And since you’ve been avoiding me, I haven’t had the chance to return it to you.”

Blake’s about to say something but she gets cut off.

“I’d just leave it on your side of the trailer, but I figured you’d get confused at how it got there since you haven’t seen it for a while.”

“Thanks,” she forces herself to say because she doesn’t know where to go from there.  _I’m really sorry I abandoned and confused you all at the same time after I kissed you at your apartment because I can’t own up to the fact that I may be in love with you and you’re all I think about_ doesn’t really cut it. Maybe, but not really.

All of a sudden, Blake feels completely foreign to her own trailer (even when she’s spent a good chunk of her time hiding in here) when Leighton stands up so quickly that she’s in front of her before she even exhales.

“You kissed me,” she says accusingly. Blake takes a breath to respond but all she ends up doing with that breath is puff it out because Leighton’s talking again. “Then you left me.”

Blake nods, looks everywhere else but at brown eyes that are boring into her. At least whatever she’s looking at aren’t glaring back at her with such accusatory looks.

“Yeah, I did.” She doesn’t know when her voice actually started working, but she’s just going to go with it. See what stupid thing she ends up saying.

“And you didn’t want to know why I broke it off with Sebastian.”

“Right. I didn’t. I still don’t, actually.”

“And you’re still avoiding me.”

“Yeah, I am.”

There’s some bit of confidence working in her and she doesn’t know where it’s coming from but she’s appreciating it because she just knows this can’t end well. She’s seen the movies. Hell, she’s in a show where these things happen all the time. Of course it doesn’t end well.

“I thought you loved me.”

It sounds completely fragile and broken that Blake ends up twisting her head to look at Leighton who slumps down, feeling defeated. This is not what she expected. She expected some angry words and gestures, even name calling.

But not this defeat.

This is so unlike Leighton that it throws Blake off her groove.

“I do, Lei, it’s just…” she struggles to explain. Leighton looks at her desperate for an answer. Blake closes her eyes and quietly counts to five. She breathes. This is it.

“I don’t want to end up breaking your heart and ruining whatever relationship we already have.”

Leighton scoffs and turns around, the look of defeat replaced with something else, something sharper.

It sounds so stupid now that she’s said it and she wonders if she should have said anything at all. At this point, it doesn’t even matter because Leighton’s out of her defeated slump and back into that angry tone she was in earlier.

“You don’t want to break  _my_  heart?!” she asks disbelievingly and starts to walk to her side of the trailer, most likely as means to get her anger to taper down.

This just proves to Blake just how much Leighton knows her because they both know she can’t possibly break Leighton’s heart even if she had the ability to do so. She knows it would always be Leighton that will break her heart and not the other way around.

“You don’t think avoiding me isn’t ruining whatever relationship we already have?”

Blake doesn’t know what to say, so she opts to not saying a thing. Her silence is answer enough.

Leighton looks at her, hurt evident in her eyes, before walking out of their trailer. Leighton has a point, even she can’t argue that.

;;

It’s another week that they’re not speaking to each other. This time, it’s Leighton’s decision to ignore her, and for good reason. And of course Blake misses her because for two years, all they did was spend time with each other – with or without significant others. This silent treatment and cold shoulders is getting tiresome and there’s no one else on this entire planet that Blake blames but herself.

It’s causing a strain in their work and everyone’s starting to take notice. They don’t know what’s going on, but they know there’s something happening between their two leading stars.

Blake’s sitting at her apartment thinking, like she hasn’t done enough of that. She doesn’t know why ever made that move. She knows she shouldn’t have, but the thing is, she doesn’t regret it.

It’s all terribly cliché and so unoriginal that Blake can’t help herself from feeling pathetic because it got this far.

After thinking aimlessly and without getting anywhere, she gets this ridiculous idea of penning down her feelings in a poem or just something poetic. She ends up sitting in her office, taking out a legal pad and scribbling down her rendition of a love poem and a sorry poem and a poem about not being an asshole anymore.

The words she hasn’t scribbled out all sound like complete shit because she knows she’s trying too hard.

The thing is this: Blake wants to write this herself. She wants to do this– to show Leighton just how real her feelings are that she’s forced to steal the words from the air and push it down on the paper. But even she knew when to concede – when other people’s words end up expressing a lot more than what she can ever do by herself.

And as her own defeat sinks in, Blake stops her scribbling and pulls one of the desk drawers out. She picks up a handful of papers and rummages through it. Smiling triumphantly, she finds what she’s looking for. She reads it and clutches her heart at just how beautiful it is. She knows that this may not be the appropriate thing, but she thought of Leighton when she first read it.

Well, of course she thought of Leighton.

She’s always thinking of Leighton, every day of her life.

Her smile grows even wider when she looks up to see a frame with the two of them in it smiling back at the camera.

;;

Leighton holds an envelope (one that her doorman gives her as she steps out of a taxicab) tightly as she reaches her floor.

The handwriting is familiar and her eyes stare at her own name for a while before daring to open it.

After getting the courage, Leighton pulls out a picture of the two of them – the picture she gave Blake last Christmas. She doesn’t know how to react. But she turns it over. She sees that the phrase “Finally a Love Poem” is underlined twice.

_Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Poem by Bob Hicok_

_My left hand will live longer than my right. The rivers_

_of my palms tell me so._

_Never argue with rivers. Never expect your lives to finish_

_at the same time. I think_

_praying, I think clapping is how hands mourn. I think_

_staying up and waiting_

_for paintings to sigh is science._

_Here, when I say I never want to be without you,_

_somewhere else I am saying_

_I never want to be without you again. And when I touch you_

_in each of the places we meet,_

_in all of the lives we are, it's with hands that are dying_

_and resurrected._

_When I don't touch you it's a mistake in any life,_

_in each place and forever._

 

She clutches her heart when she’s done reading. Now she knows what to think. It’s beautiful.

;;

Leighton comes through her door without knocking. Blake almost spills the red wine she’s pouring herself to calm her nerves after sending off that envelope from over-thinking her actions.

Blake stands there not sure what to do so she puts the wine bottle down and straightens herself up for whatever Leighton’s reactions will be. She’s expecting some more angry words and gestures.

But she doesn’t expect for her to cross the room in five steps and pull her into a kiss.

She doesn’t expect it at all and Blake thinks that she’s going to need to stop expecting things from now on because she keeps getting them wrong.

They kiss slowly and unhurriedly, with promise that they get to do this all over again later. They have a lot to talk about and it’s going to be a long night that bringing out the wine ends up being a really good idea.

But for now, there’s a promise in Leighton’s kiss and Blake wants to hold her to it.

They break apart because they’ve run out of air and Blake smiles that toothy grin of hers and Leighton mirrors it with a dimpled one of hers.

“Thanks for coming uninvited,” she finally says and all the brunette can do is laugh.

;;

They’re curled up in bed one night, spooning. Blake’s holding onto Leighton with her arms around the girl’s waist and their legs tangled with each other.

It’s one of Blake’s favorite things – she’s good at it - holding her.

She knows Leighton’s zonked out for the night because she’s started that snoring bit that she does where it’s not quite a snore but you can hear it.

Blake props her head on her hand and just looks at Leighton in front of her. She leisurely traces her finger up and down Leighton’s arm until it reaches her hand. She takes them in her own and examines it. She takes her hand and puts it over Leighton’s limp fist, holding it carefully.

They say that a person’s heart is roughly the same size as a person’s fist.

So Blake spreads her fingers out some more until she can hold Leighton’s hand in hers.

Then she entwines those same fingers with Leighton’s before squeezing it.

And she holds on, tighter, testing out how it feels to hold Leighton’s heart-sized hands in her own. It feels good.

She’s held hands with Leighton before, in public and in private. Each time is almost always the same. Almost always because Leighton’s hands are the same every time: warm, soft, and inviting. It’s Blake’s that are always different: nervous, confident, warm, cold. It keeps changing and Blake doesn’t know how to stop it. The only thing that never changes is how it feels to hold Leighton’s hand – comfortable.

She eventually props her head back down to the pillow and pulls Leighton, who seems to instinctively push into her.

She’s still holding on to Leighton’s hand and doesn’t let go. She’s practicing now.

She’s practicing holding onto Leighton’s heart until Leighton allows her to hold onto the real thing.

Blake’s so deep in her thoughts that she doesn’t realize that the one she’s holding is awake.

“Hey,” she whispers softly but Blake doesn’t hear her. “Blake,” she whispers again and this time, the blonde lands back to reality.

“Hey, did I wake you? I’m sorry if I did,” she says before kissing on Leighton’s soft shoulder.

“No, you didn’t. What were you thinking about?” Blake takes her time, the answer’s always the same.

“You,” she teases, even though the two of them know just how true it is.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. C’mon, let’s get some sleep,” Blake says before pulling Leighton impossibly closer. The other girl responds by pushing herself further into the curves of Blake’s body.

They’re about to close their eyes when a glint of light hits the frame by Leighton’s night stand, spotlighting the same picture that Blake scribbled the poem down.

Blake smiles and clutches tightly at Leighton’s hands. 

Before drifting off in her sleep, she quietly recites the poem.

_When I don't touch you it's a mistake in any life, in each place and forever._

And it is, so she makes sure never to get it wrong.


End file.
